Heartbreak

I recieved an email the other day from a friend of mine...I don't know if I can call her a friend anymore...This is a girl that I have been friends with over the last four or so years, I have been there for her when times were hard, was a shoulder to cry on and gave encouragement when it was needed. A year ago she moved in with a guy up in Alaska. I was bummed when that happened, she was supposed to come down to Portland for a while but otped to move in with the boyfriend instead. Our contact was cut down to email and rarely would we be able to talk via IM. for several months she was going through all sorts of doubt and probelms in her relationship. I and another mutual friend didn't think it was the ideal relationship for her but we remained supportive regardless. One of the times she was going on about how useless she felt or how she would feel if her current relationship ended...she said that she felt that no one would want her. I had been hearing that for quite some time from her. I finally plucked up enough courage to tell her how I felt about her. I liked her from the moment I met her. So following that bearing of my heart more emails and IMs occurred and she began to have feelings for me, which wasn't reavealed till she had decided to stay with her BF. Once she did that I didn't hear from her for a while, she said she needed some time to clear her head. Whatever. Anyways, we got back in touch and remained friends. Recently her and her BF moved to Anchorage. I was happy for them and also happy about the possibility of being able to stay in better contact. That was not to be...
Monday the 22 of January I recieved an email from her in response to mine asking her how thigns were going stating that this will be my last email...that our contact will be limited via email/IM. She has insecurity issues as well as self esteem issues which made her demand of her BF that he could no longer recieve emails or phone calls from his Exes and or female friends once they move to Anchorage. He complied. He spotted her talking to me via IM as well as saw the email I had sent her so he called her. He called her on her bullshit, her double standard and left it at that. She felt guilty because she had hidden the IM as well as the email when he came around; he had to ask her to see them. He saw that I had signed off love ya and she felt even worse. Then she says that she is sure I will be offended by this (DUH!!!) and she apologizes, its not her intent. She told her BF that my saying love ya was harmless. I DON"T SAY THOSE WORDS WITHOUT MEANING THEM!!! Then she says you will probably want to respond to this but it would be better if you didn't because I wouldn't be able to read it. WTF!!! (SCREAMED FROM THE ROOFTOP )
SOoooooooooo, she says that we remain friends but there will be no contact.
Thats like going to a all you can eat buffet that has no food on it...really its the equivalent of someone dying. I have had friends that have died and I still carry my love for them but you cannot say they are my friend anymore because they have ceased to exist. There is nothing to nuture and grow upon, no communication and sharing of life experiences. Her cutting off of contact has essentially made each of us dead to one another. What friendship...what relationship of any kind can be maintained without contact?! I could definately say that I truly love and care for her. I had thoughts of spending the rest of my life with her despite her foibles...not like I am perfect by any stretch. I came to accept the fact that she decided to stay with her BF, try and make a go of it. Despite any feelings she may have had for me she felt that she wanted to marry this guy...had thought that before I had said anything so I ahd the short end of the stick from the get go. Now all that is dashed to the ground into billions of pieces.
Upon reading her email, I had to refrain from repeatedly smashing my fist through the walls of my apt. I was and am still livid over this. I am unable to convey exactly how I feel at the moment other than to say I feel helpless, hopeless, and heartbroken. I vacilate between hatred and love regarding this constantly.

Part of me wants to write her back and tell her F**K YOU I NEVER WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU OR HEAR ABOUT YOU AGAIN! but then I can't. It won't solve anything to go ballistic like a little child. I haven't reponded to her email and I won't. I can understand where she is coming from but that doesn't make what she is doing right. Jealousy is never profitable. To cut out people from your life puts you into one hell of a lonely situation. There is a little something called trust...to demand that a person in a relationship stop talking to people they have known for years (exes, old friends, male/female friends) is childish. If you cannot trust someone to be true to you in a relationship then you have no business in one. In her demanding such a thing of her BF puts her under the same regulation. The only time to cut out a person from your life is when they are detrimental to your life, they cause more damage to you than they do building you up, they are bad influences on you. The only way I can see myself as such a person was my having feelings for her and her beginning to have them too so I have to go away so she can stay true to her man. Well goodbye Wendy. I hope you and Ryan have a wonderful life together, that both of you grow out of your insecurities and learn to trust one another. I will never be speaking to you again (not for lack of wanting to), I highly doubt you will even see this blog...you haven't commented on it in ages...I will pick up the pieces of my broken heart and put them back together and go on with my life. I have lost a good friend and it hurts right now more than I can describe.