That was quick...

I am no longer in grad school. I had been mulling it over fairly regularly whether or nto it was the path for me and this past Monday I stayed home from where I was student teaching because I was sick and hadn't slept worth a crap from the nite before. I called and told the teacher I was working with as much and she seemed only to hear that I hardly slept at all that nite before so I wouldn't be coming in...it was the straw that broke the camels back for her apparently; she sent an email to my cohort leader saying she didn't want me in her classroom anymore. Truth be told, I don't think she wanted to have a student teacher at all, there were all kinds of passive aggressive things she would say and do. A part of me would love nothing more than to call her and give her a piece of my mind but when it comes down to it my energy can be better spent doing other things, she is far from worth another millisecond of my time. So meanwhile I will be licking my wounds and praying, looking for guidance on what to do now. I will also be petitioning to get a refund on my tuition and consolidating my student loans. I need to find a job that will pay my bills and then some...and on top of it all, I need to take some time to myself, I haven't had any real time off in AGES!!!!!!!! Pray for me.

Reflections of the first three weeks of student teaching

It has been interesting working with the fourth grade class at Jackson Elementary. My cohort leader and the teachers and principal at the school have suggested i get the dual endorsement which means i will be working with younger elementary school kids. I have spent a a little bit of time with a second grade class, the kids are adorable but I am not sure that level is doable for me. There is a little bit too much crowd control and noise suppression that has to happen at that level. By fourth grade you can tell the kids to keep their mouths closed and they will more often than not keep them closed or at least keep the noise down to a dull roar. I had to be the main overseer of things while the second graders were looking up things in the dictionary while the Cooperating teacher was doing reading assessments. Whenever she told the students to quiet down they would listen and then a few minutes later it would get loud again. Anytime I told them to be quiet it was as if I was talking to myself. I don't know if my voice is too deep or what; I don't want to have to yell thats for sure. If I shhhh them then things quiet down a little so I am kinda at a loss right now.
The cooperating teacher in my fourth grade class suggested that I look into teaching music at the elementary level because she saw me light up when I talked to the music teacher at the school. I don't have a music degree and when it comes to the praxis test, even music majors have a hard time with it...that kinda scares me since I don't have anywhere near as much music courses in theory and arranging as a music major does. I do have a lot of experience playing in ensembles and arranging music myself, that is my own music, and I have also been an interim music director for a cabaret theater company due to the ineptness of the one they hired. I guess I am going to look into what I am lacking in order to pursue music education because I am not interested in a music performance degree. Of course that is something that needs to be taken care yesterday. With my CT and everyone else seemingly forgetting that I don't have a music degree but them thinking I am gonna teach music makes me wonder if there is anything to it. Hearing what the teacher shows the kids, even the older kids, I would have no problem. I would need to get my sight reading skills in a more operational state as well as my piano skills. I have been flying by the seat of my pants for the last few weeks, now its beginning to feel like I am gettin a wedgie. i am glad next week things get a bit more structured and I will only be the school twice a week, my bootie is kicked right now.

One Down, Four More To Go

The first term of Grad school is over. It wiped me out but I made it through. Subsequent terms, while with more credits should be a bit easier because it will be spread out over ten weeks rather than four. Of course i may be wrong, wouldn't be the first time. We've got a pretty good group of folks that I am going through this craziness with over the course of the year. There are 27 people only five of which are guys. Definitely some lovely ladies in the cohort. Now i am vacationing in San Diego for a couple weeks...got one more week here and then its back home for two more weeks off...YAY FOR RnR!!!! I am still not quite sure where I am going to be placed...one teacher said Chief Joseph Elementary School and then the one who does the placement has no idea as of yet...OH JOY! Some wires are crossed or something; a bit of a lack of communication if ya ask me. Until next time............

It has begun

Grad school is pretty reading intensive...and the costs at least double that of an undergrad. I didn't expect my costs to jump that much. I knew tuition was going to go up but the amount of books and miscellaneous materials I needed to buy has also jumped up. Last week was the first week of a 5 week term, it kicked my ass. I was exhausted by the time friday came around, it took a lot for me to do much of anything that day. I fortunately have a few days off, monday- wednesday which helps on the recovery end of things. I still have to catch up and try to get ahead with my homework. I am house-sitting/dog-sitting for this week. The dog is pretty sweet but at the same time its difficult adding the dogs usual routine into mine...I have had to go back to my place in order to get some peace and quiet to study and take naps since the dog won't let me rest. I hope to be refueled by the time thursday rolls around.

Grad School comin up

IT starts on the 25th...then i will be crazy busy for the next month, then a break and then back at once the school year starts back up in september. I am not sure what to expect out of the program or what the workload will be like. I hope that I can handle it all. Apparently there is no Masters thesis, only a protfolio of some sort turned in at the end of the program that includes all of my reflections, lesson plans and whatever else I have accumulated over the terms in grad school.
That makes it a little bit easier. I am a tad anxious at the moment, not knowing all what to expect. I would love nothing more than to skip ahead in time to graduation day getting my Masters Degree in Education; I hope my teachers are decent, I am tired of stuffed shirt pompous know-it-alls cramming their BS down my throat. Wish me luck!

I GOT IN!!!

I stopped by the grad office to find out the status of the letters of acceptance/rejection and I found out I have been accepted to Grad School in Education at Portland State University starting this coming summer. I will graduate at the end of the summer in 2008. TIme to get the nose to the grindstone and kick some ass...get this done and over with. One more year and I am DONE!!! God willing that is...

Twiddling my thumbs...

I find out sometime next week whether or not I am accepted into the Grad School of Education at Portland State University. I take the ORELA test on the 14th. I am not that anxious about it at all though I not looking forward to taking that obnoxious test that asks questions about information that no one ever thinks about. On the 19th of March I turned 33. I hope this year is better than last year...graduating was cool but that stuff with Wendy sorta put a kabosh on everything; took the wind out of my sails. I am attempting to get back on the rockin horse now. It hasn't been easy. A friend of mine who is a few years younger than me is getting married to someone ten years his junior...they make a good couple but I am so tired of seeing people younger than me tying the knot...its as if I missed the train and its never gonna come round the mountain again for me. More to come once I know about Grad school...

Grad School

I submitted my application to Graduate School on the 1st of February. I should know sometime in March if I am accepted. My three letters of reccomendation are excellent labeling me as an outstanding candidate to be a teacher so we shall see what materializes. I still need to take the ORELA test...a general information test that asks some of the most random questions about some of the most useless information possible...at least that is what the practice test has led me to believe. I hope to pass that one, I will be taking it in April.
Since my last blog...some days are better than others. Sometimes someone will say something that will set me off(they not having a clue about anything) but I am not ready to throw in the towel just yet...I am too damn stubborn. There are plenty of lovely ladies in this world...time to start fishing with some different bait; see if I can reel in someone that is on an even keel and on the same page as I am. Thanks for the supportive words Fred. Best of luck getting through High school for you and your family.

Heartbreak

I recieved an email the other day from a friend of mine...I don't know if I can call her a friend anymore...This is a girl that I have been friends with over the last four or so years, I have been there for her when times were hard, was a shoulder to cry on and gave encouragement when it was needed. A year ago she moved in with a guy up in Alaska. I was bummed when that happened, she was supposed to come down to Portland for a while but otped to move in with the boyfriend instead. Our contact was cut down to email and rarely would we be able to talk via IM. for several months she was going through all sorts of doubt and probelms in her relationship. I and another mutual friend didn't think it was the ideal relationship for her but we remained supportive regardless. One of the times she was going on about how useless she felt or how she would feel if her current relationship ended...she said that she felt that no one would want her. I had been hearing that for quite some time from her. I finally plucked up enough courage to tell her how I felt about her. I liked her from the moment I met her. So following that bearing of my heart more emails and IMs occurred and she began to have feelings for me, which wasn't reavealed till she had decided to stay with her BF. Once she did that I didn't hear from her for a while, she said she needed some time to clear her head. Whatever. Anyways, we got back in touch and remained friends. Recently her and her BF moved to Anchorage. I was happy for them and also happy about the possibility of being able to stay in better contact. That was not to be...
Monday the 22 of January I recieved an email from her in response to mine asking her how thigns were going stating that this will be my last email...that our contact will be limited via email/IM. She has insecurity issues as well as self esteem issues which made her demand of her BF that he could no longer recieve emails or phone calls from his Exes and or female friends once they move to Anchorage. He complied. He spotted her talking to me via IM as well as saw the email I had sent her so he called her. He called her on her bullshit, her double standard and left it at that. She felt guilty because she had hidden the IM as well as the email when he came around; he had to ask her to see them. He saw that I had signed off love ya and she felt even worse. Then she says that she is sure I will be offended by this (DUH!!!) and she apologizes, its not her intent. She told her BF that my saying love ya was harmless. I DON"T SAY THOSE WORDS WITHOUT MEANING THEM!!! Then she says you will probably want to respond to this but it would be better if you didn't because I wouldn't be able to read it. WTF!!! (SCREAMED FROM THE ROOFTOP )
SOoooooooooo, she says that we remain friends but there will be no contact.
Thats like going to a all you can eat buffet that has no food on it...really its the equivalent of someone dying. I have had friends that have died and I still carry my love for them but you cannot say they are my friend anymore because they have ceased to exist. There is nothing to nuture and grow upon, no communication and sharing of life experiences. Her cutting off of contact has essentially made each of us dead to one another. What friendship...what relationship of any kind can be maintained without contact?! I could definately say that I truly love and care for her. I had thoughts of spending the rest of my life with her despite her foibles...not like I am perfect by any stretch. I came to accept the fact that she decided to stay with her BF, try and make a go of it. Despite any feelings she may have had for me she felt that she wanted to marry this guy...had thought that before I had said anything so I ahd the short end of the stick from the get go. Now all that is dashed to the ground into billions of pieces.
Upon reading her email, I had to refrain from repeatedly smashing my fist through the walls of my apt. I was and am still livid over this. I am unable to convey exactly how I feel at the moment other than to say I feel helpless, hopeless, and heartbroken. I vacilate between hatred and love regarding this constantly.

Part of me wants to write her back and tell her F**K YOU I NEVER WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU OR HEAR ABOUT YOU AGAIN! but then I can't. It won't solve anything to go ballistic like a little child. I haven't reponded to her email and I won't. I can understand where she is coming from but that doesn't make what she is doing right. Jealousy is never profitable. To cut out people from your life puts you into one hell of a lonely situation. There is a little something called trust...to demand that a person in a relationship stop talking to people they have known for years (exes, old friends, male/female friends) is childish. If you cannot trust someone to be true to you in a relationship then you have no business in one. In her demanding such a thing of her BF puts her under the same regulation. The only time to cut out a person from your life is when they are detrimental to your life, they cause more damage to you than they do building you up, they are bad influences on you. The only way I can see myself as such a person was my having feelings for her and her beginning to have them too so I have to go away so she can stay true to her man. Well goodbye Wendy. I hope you and Ryan have a wonderful life together, that both of you grow out of your insecurities and learn to trust one another. I will never be speaking to you again (not for lack of wanting to), I highly doubt you will even see this blog...you haven't commented on it in ages...I will pick up the pieces of my broken heart and put them back together and go on with my life. I have lost a good friend and it hurts right now more than I can describe.