New Year...here's hoping its better than last year!

So now I have been in the San Diego area for a little over 3 months now...I have joined and quit a band (unprofessional behavior from one of the members and excessive drinking...not my scene, not to mention the sense of foreboding I had any time I thought about the band; that I needed to get out of there) and started and then been released from working on an album with a songwriter only now to be back working with him for some performances at some church things as well as some open mic things. I have had one person take a guitar lesson from me only to tell me he will contact me after the new year, then another person has contacted me about lessons for her daughter; I hope I hear back from both of them and more soon. I need to repost my add again. I have been talking to a few ladies via eharmony...we shall see what happens in that department. I need to get my CA driver's license as well as get my car registered in CA. I have to go to court on a ticket on January 26th. I have no idea how much the fine is, there is no monetary amount on the ticket though the officer could have had my car impounded and given me a ticket for well over $5000. Thank God he didn't. I am making effort to be more positive because I cannot stand being bitter and angry all the time, I need to look for the positive in all situations no matter how dire because this is killing me. I used to be much more easy going but now I have little to no patience with things, the stupider the situation the less patience I have and there have been an overabundance of stupid situations/people...God help me!

I haven't posted in a while....

I am at the point of believing that to share the way you feel about someone is about as useful as shooting yourself in the foot...especially when you already have a little bit of a feeling of how the other party feels. Guess its time to stop listening to what everyone says around me and go on my own intuitions.

I indirectly told my good friend Nadia I was into her...I asked her what I was to her and she replied that I am a very good friend who has always been there...f'n yippee for me. If I hear that one more time I am gonna start shooting people! I guess I have my parents to thank for instilling in me such grand values that do nothing to assist my love life, only help me develop a vast portfolio of "friends."

Couple this with getting stood up last week by someone who has about as much command of the English language as I do Vietnamese I am done with dealing with women and all their bullshit. THe entire population of women in this world can all line up, kiss my ass and then go f'k themselves. I am done bein nice to everybody, its done nothing for me but bring me loneliness. Sure I have friends but that's not enough.

On the lighter side of things...I am now involved with two different musical projects...one of which I am playing guitar and doing some vocals in a touring band that plays predominantly rock/punk/metal with a little of whatever we feel like throwing in the mix and the other is more adult contemporary singer/songwriter stuff where I am producing the album, playing guitar, doing some live vocals (for whatever performances occur), and programming. We shall see how things develop. My album has not been selling which is disappointing but that may change with these projects.
I am also building another guitar from parts I bought off of ebay...got a few more parts to get and then all the pickups need to be sautered...I am debating on doing it myself so I can learn how its done, but I don't wanna mess anything up.

I am moving!

I am moving to El Cajon CA, just a little outside of San Diego. I will be moving in with my mom and two young ladies, one who has a baby daughter. I have never met the childless girl, the girl with a baby went with my mom and I to Disneyland on my birthday...she seems like a pretty cool gal.

I have no idea what is going to happen, I jus tknow that I need to get the hell out of the Portland area. I am being punished for being honest by the unemployment office. I worked as a consultant for a janitorial company (self employed, I will get a 1099 at the end of the year) and also have been teaching guitar part time (I have spent far more on teaching materials and music equipment this year than I have made in the last couple of years teaching). Anyways, the lovely folks at the employment department have decided to suspend my benefits pending investigation...I had been reporting earnings and this past week I didn't report any...shouldn't have listened to either of my parents or any of my friends...so I had called the unemployment office to find out what I need to do with my moving to California...then the guy laid on me all these questions about what work I was doing. I told him it was all self employed stuff, I will get a 1099 and he says something about my benefits being suspended pending investigation(a 3 week process) to determine whether or not my self employment (or whatever it is they seem to think it was I was doing) interferred with my search for employment or not. THere is a severe lack of logic and common sense in this case....I am beyond livid with this stupidity. So now....I have over $400 in bills, hardly any food in the house, I need to come up with somewhere around $1000-1600 to get my butt moved, AND I need to buy a new EGR valve for my car ($153 part). I currently have a little over $300 at the moment in my checking, I will finally get a check from the consultant work I was doing which puts me at the $700 + mark but that still isn't anywhere near enough to get things done. I have a form to fill out for unemployment numerous questions...I also am awaiting two different financial assistance applications for two different medical bills. I need to get my unemployment insurance going on my credit cards because i don't have the moeny to pay for some of them...I am not in a good place right now. HELP!

I have posted some of my furniture on craigslist but I have only gotten spam in reply. I would really like to keep my furniture because i am not going to be at my moms forever and it took a long time to acquire what I have...waiting for buyers. I am hoping that its all going to get better from here cause this freakin blows in ways I cannot even begin to describe.

Whats goin on now...

I lost my job on July 1st...got laid off...so now I am looking for work once again, only this time I hope to get a job that I will truly enjoy. I now have my music available on itunes worldwide, if you search MLP Reclaiming Glory you will find it. Currently I have two students...one twice a week and the other I am not sure what interval he will be taking lessons...

I am now seriously considering moving to California...a new scene, change of pace, regular sunny weather...I have been trying to get more guitar students but I am not having much luck with craiglist here in the Portland area and while I do have some cards up at the local music store, I haven't been getting much business that way either. Additionally, I haven't been able to acquire a new job...applied to at least 40 different places since I got laid off...and only one interview and they called me back just as I was about to walk in the door...they had just hired who they needed but since I showed up they at least interviewed me...it would only have been a part time thing. I am kinda done with Portland.

I am working on some new music and also working on some music with some friends, very different projects but that is what makes it fun...my music is all over the place but mostly rooted in rock and metal so its nice to mess around in other genres; otherwise I get REALLY bored.

its been a while

things have been a tad bit crazy over the last few months...work is a never-ending rollercoaster it seems; we get some sort of equalibrium established and then someoen comes along and throws a monkeywrench in the works and we have to fix it all up again...its getting REALLY old. I turned 35 on March 19th...spent that at Disneyland with my mom and her neighbor and daughter...had a hell of a lot of fun there, especially Splash Mountain. I am in the back of the log.

I have also acquired a new guitar and amp, upgraded computer and recording software, and so on...I have been taking steps to begin marketing my music because I know when I am doing music I am truly happy. If I can make some money from my music all the better. Everyone keeps telling me I should be doing music and I want to, so instead of talking about it and dreaming about it I am stepping back out there bit by bit. I was almost signed once and now things are so much different than when I was out there playing shows in the mid 90s, the artist has much more control over their career and the rights to their music with the net.
I signed up at one site that does marketing for you (www.numberonemusic.com), I currently have 459 people on my mailing list from all over the world. Once I get my music copyrighted I will put it on itunes and other internet music sales places and then I will step it up on the marketing end as well.
I just got back in touch with the bassist from my first band I was in just out of high school...he has gotten a lot better than he was back in the day...he wants me to get back out there playing as well, maybe do some shows with him. I am game...just need to have a way for the money to flow in to take care of bills and such...responsibility is sooooo much fun.

2 months later

Work has been crazy lately...one of my fellow supervisors had a heart attack and is now going to be out fro a month...that means I and another supervisor are having to cover his buildings. So now some of the employees are attempting to put one over on the two of us, slacking off here and there, whining about needing help, trying to play one of us against the other, and a litany of other things...it is DRAINING to say the least. On top of that I had a review with the interim Project manager and the new Project manager (my boss)...it didn't really seem like any kind of review to me. I filled out my own thoughts on how I was doing and what I would like to accomplish within the scope of the job and my boss only said, "that's good" and made some remarks about initially being concerned about my attitude when she took over the interim position but she had seen marked improvement and she can't promise a raise. Needless to say, I didn't get a raise. I have been at this job for 6 months + now and I have not received any kind of promotion. I have been given a number of "pats on the back" for good things I have done but those last about as long as a one night stand when it comes to any sort of fulfillment in the job...show me the freakin money, I got student loans to pay off.

In one month I got my contract turned around, where we were once receiving multiple complaints weekly to where we receive one/two a month if that. Where there was once animosity between the company I work for and the contract contact there is now a rapport. My contract looks better than it ever has since PHC took over the janitorial contract for the City of Beaverton and this doesn't garner any sort of a raise? WTF!? I did this in less than two months (thank GOD). All by being honest with my client and communicating with him, something no one at the company had successfully been doing in the time they had the contract. This has left a very bitter taste in my mouth; I have been working my ass off and now I get no return for my efforts. In addition to the work I do for my contract I am also assisting my fellow supervisors in any computer work they have to do because of their lack of abilities (one of them is blind and the other doesn't have the knowledge needed to be effective timewise, I even assist the other supervisor from time to time because he wears himself out so much his attention to detail goes in the crapper).

THe Project Manager that did my review said something about buying into PHC, or living it (something I am not willing to do for any job, there is no amount of money one can give me to sell my soul to their company) if I wanted to move up. I told her when I am at work I give my 110% (There is no way in hell she can call me on that either, my track record speaks for itself).

So this present predicament has me looking back at grad school in education, only this time I want to go to a different school than PSU, get a change of pace and maybe a program that has been updated in the last five years. I am thinking of doing special education, that puts me working in small groups and working with those children left behind by no child left behind like I wanted to initially when I was seeking to work in Elementary Education. I am not overly fond of adding to the already HUGE student loan debt I have accrued already...this job I currently have is certainly not going to give me the salary needed to cover my living expenses and student loans. Something needs to give, I will tell you that much.

things in transisition

Well...my boss got fired. He was found guilty of sexual harassment as well as neglecting his duties. It has been a bit of a pain in the butt with all the transitions occurring. We will have an interim project manager...no idea who the final one will be. My supervisor had planned on at least bumping me up to a lead supervisor or site manager position which would mean more money. Not sure if I am in the running for my bosses position, there are others more qualified but the one supervisor most qualified out of my coworkers and I is legally blind so he is not able to do all of the duties needed as a project manager...hard to do them if you don't drive. I guess we shall see what happens. I am really mentally fried right now because of all the stuff with work. The next few weekends will be interspersed with floor care so I may or may not have a life for a while...depends if our truck mount gets fixed or not.

its been a while

its been a few months since I last blogged...I finished up a couple tunes, been working my butt off...one of my fellow supervisors is legally blind so I wind up helping him a lot more than the other supervisors as I have more ability on the computer than they do which basically doubles my workload. I am not a fan of doing two people's work without two people's pay.

There seems to be some ethical issues with my boss and some of the other employees, his being too forward with them. It doesn't appear possible to go to his superiors due to the fact that they are all in eachother's back pocket, the president of the company's sister is the operations manager, it goes even deeper than that...its an ethical nightmare.

My supervisor was asking me about my thoughts about the job...at that point I was debating about going back to school and or looking for other work. Anyways, he said something to the regard of a promotion for me, saying I am head and shoulders above the other supervisors. They each have their positive points but I have an attention to detail that he likes. He is either planning on setting me up as a site manager once the Hillsboro contract comes online or to make me the lead supervisor.

In light of the ethical issues and the fact that I despise with an unholy passion the swing shift I am working I am really not wanting to stick it out with this job. We are understaffed and expected to still fulfill contractual obligations, or make the client believe we are. I cannot live with myself doing that, my word is my bond. I am not willing to compromise my integrity for money.

I have had thoughts of going back to school to finish up an English degree and do technical writing, maybe go to a school in Missouri that has a technical writing degree, or go back to grad school and finish my ed degree but do Special Education instead of elementary education. Another friend of mine is suggesting I work for the local mass transportation company Trimet. Having a set schedule would be nice not to mention the pay there is at least twice what I am making right now. Being on call 24/7 gets really old. Guess it never hurts to turn in an application.

Moving along

Things with the new job are going well...the last couple weekends have been a bit rough, having to do the quarterly cleaning of the floors in Beaverton's city buildings. We had to go back into one and redo a couple spots in the City Hall but they are worse for it IMO...they need to bite the bullet and replace the carpets instead of demanding the miraculous in turning a 20+ year old carpet into virginal perfect carpet...its not gonna happen. I have yet to meet the city contact for the contracts we have and I already want to beat him senseless.
I have not been able to spend as much time as I would like on my music as of late. I did get to jam with a buddy of mine this last friday. It had been a while since I had been able to play so it was like I got some fresh vigor to play; wound up pulling off some cool licks I had never really done before and garnered several "DAMN!" comments from my buddy. It was nice to play.
This next weekend looks to be busy as hell...Saturday the company I work for is having an awards BBQ at 10am, then I have a guitar student at 1pm and at 4pm I have a couple friends getting married. I have had a couple people ask me if I am playing for the wedding but I haven't been asked...oh well.
I have had a number of my younger friends get married in the last couple of years. It stings a bit. People, that is, family and close friends, are trying to figure out why or give suggestions as to improve my chances...UGH! "Maybe if you lost weight" or "you need to get a good job" or some other random spaced out comment like "you're a bit rough around the edges"...its like F'OFF already! Yeah, I want to get married...but only once and to the woman I will spend the rest of my life into the golden years with; though with each passing year I am getting closer to the "golden" years(still got quite a while but given recent history it doesn't look to be changing anytime soon). I do not want to have a bunch of notches in my bedpost for all the girls (conquests) I have had nor do I want to be one who has married and divorced multiple times. Sometimes you need to step out and take a chance but I haven't felt as if its time to take the plunge with any one person.
There have been fleeting crushes or the desires of friendship to turn into something more but I haven't quite had the irrepressible urge to take it to that level with any of these people though thoughts do cross my mind. I am beginning to think that I may have cursed myself when I mocked my step-moms cousin for not ever having gotten married till he was 40. I had considered him pathetic for it and its beginning to feel as if I am reaping what I sowed. Who knows...no idea when things may change, and working swing shift certainly doesn't improve my chances. Mike out!

Friggin FINALLY!!!

I finally got a job...I am training to be a Janitorial Supervisor. I will be the head of a crew of God knows how many people that have some kind of disability. I work for Portland Habilitation Center; a non profit that helps those people with disabilities get into some kind of gainful employment.
I am not overly fond of working swing shift but I am glad to finally have a job. I am starting out at $2300 a month salary. I get free medical and dental benefits, I have a certain copay when it comes to the services I receive but its not too bad. I get to wear a pager...my plan is to make sure the job is done so well there is no need to page me. Of course now that I will be working swing shift I need to figure out my life...everything I was involved with up to this point is now not going to be happening, or if does then it will be in a much smaller capacity. I equate it to taking a deck of cards and throwing them into the air and then trying to reorganize them all.
When approaching my door from coming home from work I saw a notice...rent is going up $50...$525 up to $575. Kinda lame...but I doubt I will be able to find any other rent for that cheap unless i get a number of roommates...not something I really desire to do.

The job Hunt

One job offer that didnt have enough hours to pay the bills and a bunch of applications later and still no job. I am waiting to hear back from the Springdale Job Corp Center as they are looking over my qualifications to see if it meets their needs, they sent me a letter saying as much along with an affirmative action form...taking it as a positive, need as much of that as possible right now. I have been doing some recording here and there but I have yet to finish any of the things I have started...I get tired, run out of inspiration, get to busy...some of the stuff I need to practice a bit to get my chops up to play the parts I have in mind for the song because I haven't been keeping up on them as much lately. I need to buckle down and finish up these songs. God help me!

That was quick...

I am no longer in grad school. I had been mulling it over fairly regularly whether or nto it was the path for me and this past Monday I stayed home from where I was student teaching because I was sick and hadn't slept worth a crap from the nite before. I called and told the teacher I was working with as much and she seemed only to hear that I hardly slept at all that nite before so I wouldn't be coming in...it was the straw that broke the camels back for her apparently; she sent an email to my cohort leader saying she didn't want me in her classroom anymore. Truth be told, I don't think she wanted to have a student teacher at all, there were all kinds of passive aggressive things she would say and do. A part of me would love nothing more than to call her and give her a piece of my mind but when it comes down to it my energy can be better spent doing other things, she is far from worth another millisecond of my time. So meanwhile I will be licking my wounds and praying, looking for guidance on what to do now. I will also be petitioning to get a refund on my tuition and consolidating my student loans. I need to find a job that will pay my bills and then some...and on top of it all, I need to take some time to myself, I haven't had any real time off in AGES!!!!!!!! Pray for me.

Reflections of the first three weeks of student teaching

It has been interesting working with the fourth grade class at Jackson Elementary. My cohort leader and the teachers and principal at the school have suggested i get the dual endorsement which means i will be working with younger elementary school kids. I have spent a a little bit of time with a second grade class, the kids are adorable but I am not sure that level is doable for me. There is a little bit too much crowd control and noise suppression that has to happen at that level. By fourth grade you can tell the kids to keep their mouths closed and they will more often than not keep them closed or at least keep the noise down to a dull roar. I had to be the main overseer of things while the second graders were looking up things in the dictionary while the Cooperating teacher was doing reading assessments. Whenever she told the students to quiet down they would listen and then a few minutes later it would get loud again. Anytime I told them to be quiet it was as if I was talking to myself. I don't know if my voice is too deep or what; I don't want to have to yell thats for sure. If I shhhh them then things quiet down a little so I am kinda at a loss right now.
The cooperating teacher in my fourth grade class suggested that I look into teaching music at the elementary level because she saw me light up when I talked to the music teacher at the school. I don't have a music degree and when it comes to the praxis test, even music majors have a hard time with it...that kinda scares me since I don't have anywhere near as much music courses in theory and arranging as a music major does. I do have a lot of experience playing in ensembles and arranging music myself, that is my own music, and I have also been an interim music director for a cabaret theater company due to the ineptness of the one they hired. I guess I am going to look into what I am lacking in order to pursue music education because I am not interested in a music performance degree. Of course that is something that needs to be taken care yesterday. With my CT and everyone else seemingly forgetting that I don't have a music degree but them thinking I am gonna teach music makes me wonder if there is anything to it. Hearing what the teacher shows the kids, even the older kids, I would have no problem. I would need to get my sight reading skills in a more operational state as well as my piano skills. I have been flying by the seat of my pants for the last few weeks, now its beginning to feel like I am gettin a wedgie. i am glad next week things get a bit more structured and I will only be the school twice a week, my bootie is kicked right now.

One Down, Four More To Go

The first term of Grad school is over. It wiped me out but I made it through. Subsequent terms, while with more credits should be a bit easier because it will be spread out over ten weeks rather than four. Of course i may be wrong, wouldn't be the first time. We've got a pretty good group of folks that I am going through this craziness with over the course of the year. There are 27 people only five of which are guys. Definitely some lovely ladies in the cohort. Now i am vacationing in San Diego for a couple weeks...got one more week here and then its back home for two more weeks off...YAY FOR RnR!!!! I am still not quite sure where I am going to be placed...one teacher said Chief Joseph Elementary School and then the one who does the placement has no idea as of yet...OH JOY! Some wires are crossed or something; a bit of a lack of communication if ya ask me. Until next time............

It has begun

Grad school is pretty reading intensive...and the costs at least double that of an undergrad. I didn't expect my costs to jump that much. I knew tuition was going to go up but the amount of books and miscellaneous materials I needed to buy has also jumped up. Last week was the first week of a 5 week term, it kicked my ass. I was exhausted by the time friday came around, it took a lot for me to do much of anything that day. I fortunately have a few days off, monday- wednesday which helps on the recovery end of things. I still have to catch up and try to get ahead with my homework. I am house-sitting/dog-sitting for this week. The dog is pretty sweet but at the same time its difficult adding the dogs usual routine into mine...I have had to go back to my place in order to get some peace and quiet to study and take naps since the dog won't let me rest. I hope to be refueled by the time thursday rolls around.

Grad School comin up

IT starts on the 25th...then i will be crazy busy for the next month, then a break and then back at once the school year starts back up in september. I am not sure what to expect out of the program or what the workload will be like. I hope that I can handle it all. Apparently there is no Masters thesis, only a protfolio of some sort turned in at the end of the program that includes all of my reflections, lesson plans and whatever else I have accumulated over the terms in grad school.
That makes it a little bit easier. I am a tad anxious at the moment, not knowing all what to expect. I would love nothing more than to skip ahead in time to graduation day getting my Masters Degree in Education; I hope my teachers are decent, I am tired of stuffed shirt pompous know-it-alls cramming their BS down my throat. Wish me luck!

I GOT IN!!!

I stopped by the grad office to find out the status of the letters of acceptance/rejection and I found out I have been accepted to Grad School in Education at Portland State University starting this coming summer. I will graduate at the end of the summer in 2008. TIme to get the nose to the grindstone and kick some ass...get this done and over with. One more year and I am DONE!!! God willing that is...

Twiddling my thumbs...

I find out sometime next week whether or not I am accepted into the Grad School of Education at Portland State University. I take the ORELA test on the 14th. I am not that anxious about it at all though I not looking forward to taking that obnoxious test that asks questions about information that no one ever thinks about. On the 19th of March I turned 33. I hope this year is better than last year...graduating was cool but that stuff with Wendy sorta put a kabosh on everything; took the wind out of my sails. I am attempting to get back on the rockin horse now. It hasn't been easy. A friend of mine who is a few years younger than me is getting married to someone ten years his junior...they make a good couple but I am so tired of seeing people younger than me tying the knot...its as if I missed the train and its never gonna come round the mountain again for me. More to come once I know about Grad school...

Grad School

I submitted my application to Graduate School on the 1st of February. I should know sometime in March if I am accepted. My three letters of reccomendation are excellent labeling me as an outstanding candidate to be a teacher so we shall see what materializes. I still need to take the ORELA test...a general information test that asks some of the most random questions about some of the most useless information possible...at least that is what the practice test has led me to believe. I hope to pass that one, I will be taking it in April.
Since my last blog...some days are better than others. Sometimes someone will say something that will set me off(they not having a clue about anything) but I am not ready to throw in the towel just yet...I am too damn stubborn. There are plenty of lovely ladies in this world...time to start fishing with some different bait; see if I can reel in someone that is on an even keel and on the same page as I am. Thanks for the supportive words Fred. Best of luck getting through High school for you and your family.

Heartbreak

I recieved an email the other day from a friend of mine...I don't know if I can call her a friend anymore...This is a girl that I have been friends with over the last four or so years, I have been there for her when times were hard, was a shoulder to cry on and gave encouragement when it was needed. A year ago she moved in with a guy up in Alaska. I was bummed when that happened, she was supposed to come down to Portland for a while but otped to move in with the boyfriend instead. Our contact was cut down to email and rarely would we be able to talk via IM. for several months she was going through all sorts of doubt and probelms in her relationship. I and another mutual friend didn't think it was the ideal relationship for her but we remained supportive regardless. One of the times she was going on about how useless she felt or how she would feel if her current relationship ended...she said that she felt that no one would want her. I had been hearing that for quite some time from her. I finally plucked up enough courage to tell her how I felt about her. I liked her from the moment I met her. So following that bearing of my heart more emails and IMs occurred and she began to have feelings for me, which wasn't reavealed till she had decided to stay with her BF. Once she did that I didn't hear from her for a while, she said she needed some time to clear her head. Whatever. Anyways, we got back in touch and remained friends. Recently her and her BF moved to Anchorage. I was happy for them and also happy about the possibility of being able to stay in better contact. That was not to be...
Monday the 22 of January I recieved an email from her in response to mine asking her how thigns were going stating that this will be my last email...that our contact will be limited via email/IM. She has insecurity issues as well as self esteem issues which made her demand of her BF that he could no longer recieve emails or phone calls from his Exes and or female friends once they move to Anchorage. He complied. He spotted her talking to me via IM as well as saw the email I had sent her so he called her. He called her on her bullshit, her double standard and left it at that. She felt guilty because she had hidden the IM as well as the email when he came around; he had to ask her to see them. He saw that I had signed off love ya and she felt even worse. Then she says that she is sure I will be offended by this (DUH!!!) and she apologizes, its not her intent. She told her BF that my saying love ya was harmless. I DON"T SAY THOSE WORDS WITHOUT MEANING THEM!!! Then she says you will probably want to respond to this but it would be better if you didn't because I wouldn't be able to read it. WTF!!! (SCREAMED FROM THE ROOFTOP )
SOoooooooooo, she says that we remain friends but there will be no contact.
Thats like going to a all you can eat buffet that has no food on it...really its the equivalent of someone dying. I have had friends that have died and I still carry my love for them but you cannot say they are my friend anymore because they have ceased to exist. There is nothing to nuture and grow upon, no communication and sharing of life experiences. Her cutting off of contact has essentially made each of us dead to one another. What friendship...what relationship of any kind can be maintained without contact?! I could definately say that I truly love and care for her. I had thoughts of spending the rest of my life with her despite her foibles...not like I am perfect by any stretch. I came to accept the fact that she decided to stay with her BF, try and make a go of it. Despite any feelings she may have had for me she felt that she wanted to marry this guy...had thought that before I had said anything so I ahd the short end of the stick from the get go. Now all that is dashed to the ground into billions of pieces.
Upon reading her email, I had to refrain from repeatedly smashing my fist through the walls of my apt. I was and am still livid over this. I am unable to convey exactly how I feel at the moment other than to say I feel helpless, hopeless, and heartbroken. I vacilate between hatred and love regarding this constantly.

Part of me wants to write her back and tell her F**K YOU I NEVER WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU OR HEAR ABOUT YOU AGAIN! but then I can't. It won't solve anything to go ballistic like a little child. I haven't reponded to her email and I won't. I can understand where she is coming from but that doesn't make what she is doing right. Jealousy is never profitable. To cut out people from your life puts you into one hell of a lonely situation. There is a little something called trust...to demand that a person in a relationship stop talking to people they have known for years (exes, old friends, male/female friends) is childish. If you cannot trust someone to be true to you in a relationship then you have no business in one. In her demanding such a thing of her BF puts her under the same regulation. The only time to cut out a person from your life is when they are detrimental to your life, they cause more damage to you than they do building you up, they are bad influences on you. The only way I can see myself as such a person was my having feelings for her and her beginning to have them too so I have to go away so she can stay true to her man. Well goodbye Wendy. I hope you and Ryan have a wonderful life together, that both of you grow out of your insecurities and learn to trust one another. I will never be speaking to you again (not for lack of wanting to), I highly doubt you will even see this blog...you haven't commented on it in ages...I will pick up the pieces of my broken heart and put them back together and go on with my life. I have lost a good friend and it hurts right now more than I can describe.